More Than Just Puppy Love
by alittlebitdifferent394
Summary: Remus hides his secrets under long sleeves. Sirius hides his pain with a smile. Remus has fallen for Sirius, and Sirius has fallen for Remus. They must both come to terms with their horrible pasts and their feelings. Sirius must save Remus from himself, while at the same time learn how to take care of himself. Wolfstar. Slash. Mentions of Self-harm.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, unfortunately. Don't read if you don't like slash or could be easily triggered or upset by mention of self-harm. Please review :)**

Sirius Black was the heartthrob of the school. Everybody loved him; the girls wanted him and the guys wanted to be him. Sirius Black was as close to perfect as anyone could ever hope for. His body was nice and toned, his smile was beautiful and effortless, and his eyes were grey and mysterious. He was quite popular and extremely likeable, but had a bit of a reputation for being a player. He could have any of the girls that he wanted, and he had had quite a few of them. However, they ended up hurt and he ended up feeling confused and alone, despite all of the girls chasing him.

It felt good to Sirius to be well liked and popular, because he was always the least favorite child in the family. For as long as he could remember, he had been neglected and on occasion even abused. When he had come home from Hogwarts after his first year, he found that his parents were even less fond of him than before, because of his place in Gryffindor house. He liked rubbing the fact that he was popular and happy in his parent's faces. It was his way of saying _fuck you_. The only problem was that Sirius wasn't really very happy. Sure, he had every girl he could possibly want at his fingertips, but he didn't actually want any of them. The one person he did want wasn't exactly an option. Because Sirius Black was in love with his best friend. No, not James. Remus. Sirius was in love with Remus. And he had sworn to never tell a soul. Because despite the confidence he hid behind, Sirius often felt like a kicked puppy. So he turned all of his suffering and all of his hurt into nonchalance and indifference. And usually, it worked. But sometimes, he needed to break down.

When Sirius, near tears, entered the bathroom in his dormitory, he found the last thing he had been expecting to find. He gasped and stared at his roommate openmouthed.

Remus Lupin was often overlooked because of his quiet and studious demeanor. Everyone liked him, of course, but he was never anybody's favorite. He was the one people went to when they needed help with homework, or when they needed someone to vent to. Because Remus was the one that was always there as the strong, unwavering presence. But he was never the first choice. Remus almost wished he could overlook himself as easily as his classmates could, but unfortunately, he was stuck with himself. And he had a lot of secrets, secrets that had fueled his self-loathing for years.

For one, Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Every month at the full moon, he turned into a beast. And it sucked. He was often left tired and injured, and despite all the help that Madam Pomfrey and the other school staff had given him, he never felt quite well. Even without all of the physical side effects, it was horrible. Remus hated himself for who he was. Of course, he couldn't help it; he had been bitten as a child. But still, he hated being different. He hated being a monster. He hated having to lose himself once a month. He was so grateful when his roommates and best friends, James, Sirius, and Peter had discovered his secret. At first, he had been worried beyond belief. Remus had thought they would stop caring for him, and that they would perhaps even request a new room. They had been completely accepting and supportive, however, and had even gone as far as to become Animagi so they could keep their friend company once a month. It was much more than he could have hoped for. The secret stilled weighed down on him, though.

As ashamed as he was for being a werewolf, Remus hated himself even more for another secret that was out of his control. Remus Lupin was bisexual- he liked girls and guys, although he preferred the latter. His parents, however, were not accepting of who he was. They still loved him, of course, but they had told him that he was just going through a phase. They set him up with a counselor meant to "remedy his behavior". They even went as far as to bring him into the church for their pastor to pray with him. What hurt the most was knowing that he had disappointed them. After that experience just before his sixth year at Hogwarts, Remus had decided not to let any of his friends know. After a while, he had started to wonder if his parents were right. Was he really born bisexual, or was it a decision? A flaw? A sin? Remus couldn't take not knowing for sure. He just hated feeling like there was something wrong with him.

As if being bisexual wasn't enough, Remus just had to fall for his best friend. His best friend, the player, the womanizer. Sirius had a new girlfriend every week, so Remus knew there was no way that Sirius would ever fall for him. But he couldn't help loving him. The thing about Remus, was that when he fell, he fell hard. He had only ever had one girlfriend, but he had dated her for over two years. When she had broken up with him, he hardly left his bed. He missed a week of classes, which was something he typically tried his hardest to avoid. He barely said anything to anyone for a month. He spiraled into the depression he had managed to avoid for so long. And he had restarted a habit he had given up when he was with his girlfriend. That had been towards the end of his fourth year. Now, in the beginning of his seventh year, Remus was still in the same place.

"Oh god," a voice said.

He looked up and found Sirius leaning against the wall, a shocked look on his face. Remus looked down at the mess he had made.

_Well shit_, he thought.

Remus had been caught, tears in eyes, blade in hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_ Oh god oh god oh god_.

Sirius had walked into their shared bathroom on the verge of a breakdown only to find his room mate in the middle of a breakdown. Remus- Moony, his Moony- was sitting on a blood-spattered floor. He was crying, harder than Sirius even knew somebody could cry. His tears were falling hard and fast, mixing with the blood on his arm. _The blood on his arm. Oh god._

Remus had _cut himself_. Sirius could see the silver metal in his hand. _What was he supposed to do?_ His poor Moony was sitting on the floor _hurting himself_, and all Sirius could do was stand there and stare at him. Well, to be fair, Remus looked just about as shocked as he did. Sirius felt as though he might pass out. Remus looked like he might pass out. _Oh wait_, Sirius though. _He looks as though he's lost quite a bit of blood. He might actually pass out. _

"Oh god,"

And then Sirius was on the floor next to Remus, kneeling in his best friend's blood. He carefully reached for Moony's hand, and held it upside down in his own, and gently pried open his fingers. Sirius took the blade from his hand and pocketed it, only to be answered by a groan of protest. He quickly ran to the cabinet in search of bandages and towels, and first used the towel to soak up the blood on his arm, and then to mop up the floor. He didn't think Remus would appreciate the whole dorm finding out his secret. But his eyes were slowly closing, and Sirius had no idea what to do. And so he threw the towels in the bin. Scooping Remus up in his arms, Sirius was soon out the door, taking the less popular route to the hospital wing.

"Madam Pomfrey!" he shouted.

Remus began to panic. Sirius knew his secret. Nobody was supposed to know. Nobody. He had been in the middle of a cutting session when Sirius walked in on him. And he was crying. Hard. He wanted to explain himself, to give some excuse, something. But he couldn't find the words. He couldn't open his mouth. He was tired, so tired. He knew he must look crazy. _Oh god, what does Sirius think? _Remus had ruined everything. He should have been more careful. How could he have been so stupid? Then the shame washed over him like a wave pulling him under. He was crying so hard that he couldn't breathe. Everything just hurt so goddamn much. He brought the blade to his arm again, trying his hardest to avoid Sirius' gaze. He didn't care, he just didn't care anymore. He wanted to die.

_Please just let me just die._

When Remus looked up again, Sirius was kneeling over him. He was vaguely aware of a strong yet gentle hand trying to open his fingers. He closed his fingers tighter around his precious blade._ No_. Remus was screaming inside his mind. Sirius couldn't just take his best blade away from him like that. Remus heard a groan, and then realized it had escaped from his own lips. And then Sirius was gone. And then he was back. And then he was wiping away Remus' blood. _He's cleaning me up_, Remus realized. His eyes were starting to close. God, he was tired. Tired, literally and figuratively. He was tired of everything, tired of living. Tired of the same goddamn thing everyday. Tired of feeling too much. Tired of feeling nothing at all. Tired of being alone. Tired of being the odd one out. Tired of not knowing who he was. Tired of not knowing who he wanted to be. Tired of who people thought who was. Tired of who other people wanted him to be.

Suddenly, Remus found himself in the air. He was wrapped in a pair of strong, warm arms. Sirius was carrying him somewhere. _But where?_

And then there was darkness.

Madam Pomfrey kept urging Sirius to leave, but he stayed put. He felt glad that the chair was hard and cold, because the discomfort kept him awake. How could he sleep? Remus had been out for hours, and despite Madam Pomfrey's constant reassurance that he would be fine, Sirius needed to stay and see for himself. He felt guilty. He should have realized it sooner. He should have been there for Remus. All the signs were there. He had known Remus was on antidepressants from the muggle world. He had once found Remus casting a cheering charm on himself. Remus had always changed in private, and he had always worn long sleeves, even in the summer. He was often heard crying in the night, but claimed that he had bad nightmares. Sirius should have known.

He looked over and saw his Moony lying helplessly on a hospital bed. He was wearing a hospital gown, and Sirius could finally see all of the scars covering his friend's arm. There were hundreds, maybe thousands. Some were white and almost completely faded, while some were a deep shade of purple. Then there were cuts in various stages of healing, including the huge gashes Remus had made that very day. He wondered about the story behind each one. The cuts and scars each seemed so small and insignificant, but all together, they looked horribly depressing. But Sirius knew how much pain must have been behind each line. He wondered about when each particular scar was a fresh cut. He wondered if Moony even remembered. He wondered how long Moony had been doing this to himself. How could he not notice?

On Remus' left arm, there was a scar. Carved into his arm, there was a word.

_Alone._

Tears began to fall from Sirius' eyes. He hated seeing someone he loved in so much pain. He never imagined things could have gotten so bad. He wished Moony knew how much he really cared. If only Sirius could express it all, he knew that Moony would never feel alone. Ever. Determined to make the pain stop, Sirius vowed to do anything. Whatever it took. He couldn't stand to see his friend this way.

_That's the hard part about life,_ Sirius thought. _Everybody, everybody at some point feels alone. Over 7 billion people feeling like they have no one. _

And Remus was one of the greatest people in the world. At least Sirius thought so.

_If Moony ever wakes up-No, when he wakes up, I will give him a reason to wake up every goddamn day to come._


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello all! I just want to say thank you so much for all of the lovely reviews, they really mean a lot to me. I hope you continue to enjoy my story!**

**Chapter 3**

When Remus awoke, it took his eyes a second to adjust to the darkness. Then, it took him a minute to figure out where he was. The hospital wing. Once he realized he was lying in a hospital bed with a heavily bandaged arm, he soon remembered the events of the previous night. And then he realized how much trouble he was in, and the self-hatred settled in once again. That was always the best part of the entire day; the moment, right after waking up, before Remus remembered how much everything hurt. Of course, the short moment of bliss only made it harder when reality his him once again like a ton of bricks.

A sniffle brought Remus out of his reverie. He turned his head towards the wall and noticed for the first time that he was not alone. Sitting in one of the hospital wing's chairs was a red-eyed Sirius Black.

"Are you crying?"

"No," Sirius responded a little bit too quickly. "I, uh, I've got a bit of a cold."

"Oh." Still, Remus was touched that Sirius had stayed. He knew all too well that the chairs lining the wall weren't exactly what one could call comfortable, and judging by the dark shade of the sky, it had to be about three in the morning. Had Sirius been there all that time? It had been dinnertime when Sirius had walked in on him cutting. _Oh god._ Sirius had walked in on him cutting. And then he had gotten the school involved by bringing him to the hospital wing.

Well shit, Remus thought, for what felt like the millionth time that day. What was Madam Pomfrey going to do? Would she tell the teachers? Dumbledore? His parents? This was supposed to be his _secret._ Remus wasn't going to let them take it away from him.

_ Maybe they can help_, Remus thought.

_No_, he argued with himself. _You need this. This is what helps you survive. They don't understand. Nobody else ever will understand. All you have is yourself. And your blade._

_ But Sirius stayed._

_ No. He's only here out of obligation, _Remus told himself. _He refused to let himself hope. All hoping had ever brought him was disappointment. If you don't expect anything, you can't be let down._

"Um," Sirius interrupted Remus' thoughts.

It had been at least 8 hours since Sirius had run into the hospital wing with his best friend in his arms. Madam Pomfrey had stayed until around 10, and Sirius put up with all of her hassling. Eventually, to his relief, she had bandaged up his arm and went to bed. It was around 2:30 in the morning when Remus finally awoke, and Sirius found that even after all the hours of trying to figure out what to say, he was speechless. He wanted to let Remus know just how much he cared. He knew that Remus needed to know that somebody cared as much as Sirius did. But caring went against every rule Sirius had. Well, no, not really. Sirius cared a lot about a lot of things, but he would never let anybody know that. When people heard the name "Sirius Black" they thought of the carefree schoolboy. The handsome one. The jokester. The player. Sirius, as a general rule, wasn't supposed to care.

But he did

He cared so damn much.

_So goddamn much._

"Um," he started. _Oh god, I sound like an idiot_, he thought. _What am I supposed to say?_

"Sirius," Remus said coolly. "You look terrible."

Sirius laughed. "I could say the same to you, Moony," he responded.

Remus was glad to hear Sirius was still calling him by his nickname. He loved when Sirius called him that.

"I-I'm sorry you had to find me like that," Remus began cautiously after a moment of silence.

_Don't apologize you idiot!_ Sirius screamed in his mind. _I'm the one that should be sorry! I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I'm sorry you feel like you have to do this to yourself. I'm sorry I didn't notice it sooner. I'm sorry I haven't been more help. I'm sorry I ever let you feel alone. _

"Oh, Moony, only you," Sirius said, trying to uphold his careless demeanor. "No need to apologize," he finished with a humorless smile.

"Um, right," Remus stuttered. Sirius could tell he was trying his hardest to look like he was okay. "You don't need to, you know, worry or anything. I'm- I'm fine." Sirius raised an eyebrow, and Remus said "Honestly. I'm good. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't, you know, mention this to James or Peter or- or anyone."

Remus hoped Sirius didn't notice all of his stuttering.

But it was then that Sirius realized just what Remus was trying to do. He was attempting to fix the walls that had broken down. He was trying to put his secret away again. He wanted to limit the amount of people who knew. He wanted to convince the people who already did know that it was no big deal. He was telling Sirius that he was fine, and Sirius had no doubt that he would tell Madam Pomfrey the same thing. Remus was not fine, though. He could lie all he wanted, but the scars covering his arms couldn't. Neither could his eyes- his eyes betrayed him. His eyes were as honest as he wished he could be. Besides, Sirius recognized what Remus was doing because he had done the same thing many times. Remus was guarding his heart from the rest of the world.

The next thing Sirius realized was that if he wanted to help his Moony, he would have to let his own guard down, so he got up and sat down on the foot of Remus' bed before he could talk himself out of it. It was hard, _really fucking hard_, but Sirius _had _to put his Moony first.

"You can- you can trust me you know."

"Listen Padfoot, -"

And then Sirius broke down.

"No, you listen, Moony. Do you think I'm just going to let this go? Do you think I waited up half the night for you to lie to me and say that you're fine? I saw you Moony, I fucking saw you! I was there! You are most definitely not fine!"

Sirius' voice broke. He was crying, but he continued anyways.

"I know more about you than anybody in this fucking school, and guess what? _I'm still here._ I've done so much for you! You're not the easiest person to be friends with, you know, but I'm still here! Oh god, Moony, oh god. Look at your arms. You're not fine."

Both of the boys were crying. Sirius knew that he had already gotten his point across, and that he was going to far. It felt so good, though, to get everything out, and so he continued.

"You almost _died_ today, Moony! I _carried_ you all the way here. Why do you think I would do that?" Sirius was yelling, and Remus was bawling. "Hmm, definitely not because I _care_, right? Oh god, _oh god. _You're not shutting me out."

Then there was silence. Sirius felt guilty for yelling at Remus when he was in such a fragile state. He felt embarrassed for caring so much. Remus hated himself. He felt horrible for putting Sirius through all that. He still couldn't figure out why Sirius cared so much, though. And now he was angry with Sirius for yelling at him.

_ At least he's still calling you Moony,_ Remus thought.

"Come here," Remus said, against his better judgment, his quiet voice breaking the silence. He moved over leaving half of the tiny bed for his friend. Sirius hesitated at first, but eventually obliged.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered.

"Me too."

As the two boys lay next to each other on a hospital bed, they both became increasingly confused. All they wanted was to be open, and to have somebody see them for who they really were. But neither of them could know they were both feeling the exact same way.

Sirius had to use all his willpower not to grab his best friend's hand.

_He's straight,_ Sirius told himself.

Little did he know Remus was telling himself the same thing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello all! So I apologize for this chapter taking longer than usual. I had a bit of writer's block and I couldn't figure out what to write. I'm still not entirely happy with it. But oh well. Also, I'm sorry for the disappointing lack of Sirius in this chapter. There should definitely be more Wolfstar in the chapters to come, though **

**Chapter 4**

"Moony,"

Padfoot?"

"Do you want to die?"

Silence.

"What?"

"Were you… do you want to die, Moony?"

_No. And yes,_ Remus thought. _I don't want to die. But I want to be dead. Only because I want so badly to live, though. But I'm not alive. I certainly don't feel alive. I feel nothing. And then I feel pain. That's it. There's no in between. So I don't see a pint to life. I just don't._

When Remus realized he was taking too long to answer, he said "That's not what I was trying to do."

"Oh." Sirius had been hoping he would feel relieved, but he didn't. For one thing, even if it wasn't on purpose, Moony could still end up killing himself. Besides, how could Sirius even be sure he was telling the truth? He wondered if, when he had found Remus that evening, he had felt as bad as he looked to Sirius. Remus had seemed so broken, so _desperate_. What was bothering Sirius the most, though, was that he just didn't understand. He hated not understanding. And he hated being so _helpless_.

"How can I help?"

Remus responded with another "what?"

"Tell me what I can do…to…to make you better."

"I don't need help."

"Bullshit,"

Another "what?"

Sirius was getting angry again. He couldn't help it. He knew deep down that the only person he should be mad at was himself, but it was so much easier to be mad at Remus.

"This isn't normal! You know it isn't! Most people don't go and slice up their arms when they're upset!"

Remus turned on his side, so that his back was to Sirius.

It was Sirius' turn to say, "What?"

Another moment of silence passed between the two. Finally Remus, with audible hurt in his voice, whispered "I'm not normal". It was both a question and a statement.

"I didn't mean that!"

"You said it."

"No! I just meant… You can't say that you don't need help. You can't tell me that you're fine. There's- You know I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I- I care about you a lot. But what you're doing, what you're- what you're feeling- There's something wrong with that."

"It's not my fault," Remus said finally, his voice as small as ever.

"I know."

Remus turned onto his back again.

When he awoke again, Sirius was gone. Although Remus knew that Sirius couldn't let anyone see him there, he still felt hurt. He knew it was silly. He wondered at what time Sirius had left. Had he just waited until Remus fell asleep? Or had he stayed longer?

When Madam Pomfrey saw that Remus was finally up, she summoned a house elf to bring him breakfast. While he ate the eggs, bacon, and toast, she began to question him.

He had been dreading this.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

He decided it would be best to stick with one word answers. "Fine."

"Do you remember what happened last night?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me how long you've been doing this for?"

"Dunno."

"It appears to me that it's been quite a while."

Remus grunted. He had always liked Madam Pomfrey. She was, of course, aware of his condition. She was the one to help him out every month at the full moon. But this was far too personal for his liking. He didn't want to be that close with anyone, let alone the school healer. There was this horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"What was the cause of your self injury last night?"

"Dunno."

"Have you had any suicidal thoughts lately?"

"No."

She pursed her lips. It had become obvious that she wasn't going to get anything out of him. She left it alone though. "You'll have to stay at least a few more days until you're stable."

Remus protested and she silenced him with her hand. "What about classes? I can't afford to miss any more than I already do."

"Your teachers have been informed. Your work will be sent to you. Right now you need to focus on your health."

"I'm healthy."

"I don't mean your physical health."

There was a pause. _I'm not crazy,_ Remus thought. _My mental health is fine._

"Dumbledore's going to stop by to discuss your situation."

"Okay," Remus said. But it was not okay. The hospital wing was usually extremely boring, but Remus was occupied by worrying thoughts. He knew that Dumbledore wouldn't accept one word answers. He also knew that he wouldn't be able to convince Dumbledore that he was fine. Dumbledore was, of course, one of the most brilliant wizards ever. But he was also extremely wise. He would see right through Remus. His heart was already beating and he was sweating. A lot. It had been bad enough for Remus when his _best friend_ had questioned him. But the headmaster of the school? _No thank you_, Remus thought. _Oh merlin, what am I going to do? What are __**they **__going to do?_ He wondered if they would keep him under constant supervision. Would they make him see somebody? Would they tell his parents? Send him home? To ST. Mungo's? Remus had no idea how wizards dealt with this stuff.

Once he ran out of scenarios, Remus' mind wondered back to Sirius. The more Remus got to know him, the more he was convinced he loved him. He was so flawed, but so… perfect. _He's angry_, Remus thought. _He's impulsive. And stubborn. He's lazy. He's cocky. He's shallow. He takes his jokes too far sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. He won't let anybody in. He pretends he doesn't care. But I know he does. _Remus recalled the night before, when Sirius had said that he knew Remus better than anybody. Remus realized that he probably knew more about Sirius than anybody else, too. It was hard to see the real Sirius. Sometimes, though, if you were lucky, and you caught him off guard, you would get a glimpse. A glimpse of Sirius was when nobody was looking. The real Sirius. That was all Remus wanted; somebody he could be real with. He just wanted to let his walls down. Even if Remus could do that, though, he couldn't do it with someone so guarded. He wanted to, though. He wanted to more than anything.

_Who are you kidding?_ Remus scolded himself_. Even if Sirius liked boys, which he doesn't, he wouldn't like you. You're too quiet. And awkward. You like books and fictional characters more than real people. You're not attractive. You may not be ugly, but you're certainly nothing special. You're too skinny and not tall enough. You have plain brown hair and dull grey eyes. Everything about you is just __**boring.**__ Not to mention you're covered in ugly scars. Even if you were a girl, Remus wouldn't look at you._

"How is he?"

"I don't know. He's been staring at the wall all morning…"

Madam Pomfrey trailed off when she realized that Remus was staring right at them. She had led Dumbledore to Remus' curtained off section. Remus sat up in his bed and tried to look alive. Dumbledore proceeded to send Madam Pomfrey away in hopes he could get Remus to open up. He pulled out his wand, drew a chair in midair, and it materialized a few inches off the ground only to land with a _thump._

"Afternoon, Remus," Dumbledore said with a sad smile. The usual twinkle in his eyes was gone.

"Hello Headmaster," Remus replied, trying to make himself small. He wasn't succeeding, though. When Dumbledore talked to you, he almost made you feel as though you were the most significant person in the world. He knew that Dumbledore was just kind, but all Remus wanted was to disappear.

Dumbledore also, of course, made direct eye contact. "Poppy here has of course informed me of the situation. I however would like to hear things from your point of view, if you don't mind."

But Remus _did_ mind. He especially hated how everyone kept calling it "the situation". He felt like he was a little kid again. Dumbledore's caring approach almost tempted him to open up, though. Even if he could, though, what would he say? Remus could have kicked himself. He had kept his cutting secret for around seven years. He had first cut when he was ten years old. He was seventeen. _You kept your secret for seven damn years, but you couldn't do one more?_

"I, um, I guess it just- you know, um, helps?" Remus was attempting to sound indifferent. He didn't want to give away too much.

"The self- mutilation?"

"The, um- yeah." It felt so _wrong_. It was a strange feeling, to talk about something that was supposed to be just_ his_. He had kept this secret locked away from the world for so long. It made him feel sick, to put it out where others could see it.

"When did you first begin to use this as a coping mechanism?"

"I dunno. A few years ago maybe. "

"Before or after you began your first year here at Hogwarts?"

After a silent moment in which the room filled with tension, Remus said, "Before. It was before. I was ten."

Dumbledore had always seemed so happy, carefree, and calm to Remus. But now… he just looked, well, _sad._

"Last night you were pretty seriously injured. Are you aware of how dangerous this behavior is?"

"Yeah, I- I know. I should have been more careful. I- It's stupid."

"When your skin gets cut, your brain releases endorphins. They make one feel happier and calmer. It helps one deal with life's hardships. The good feeling is only temporary, however, and so one soon feels like they need more."

It was strange. Everything Dumbledore said seemed to fit. But the way he talked about it, it was so _scientific._

"Despite the fact that most self harmers feel alone and ashamed, it is a surprisingly common problem these days. It's an addiction."

"I'm not addicted." Remus spat out a little too quickly.

Dumbledore held out his hand to silence Remus. "Perhaps not. However, judging by the evidence on your arms, this has become a frequent habit of yours. Therefore, you will be sent to St. Mungo's twice a week for counseling."

"What?" Remus immediately protested. "I don't need counseling. I can stop. I can."

Dumbledore proceeded as though he had not even heard Remus. "You will have a one-on-one session with one of the professionals there. You will also be required to attend group counseling. Also, you shall receive a check up from Madam Pomfrey once a week."  
Remus' heart sunk. Didn't they understand? He needed this. They had no right to take it away from him. Instead of voicing his opinions, however, he simply nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay so this chapter starts that night in the hospital wing. Then it's basically the same day as chapter 4, but from Sirius' point of view. This chapter is extremely uneventful, but a lot is going to happen in the next one. It should be posted in a few days. **

**Chapter 5**

Sirius didn't even close his eyes that night. For some reason, he felt as though he were responsible for watching Remus. He knew that there was a spell in place that would alert Madam Pomfrey if a patient's condition worsened, so Remus couldn't hurt himself. Unless he left, that is, but Madam Pomfrey had specifically placed a spell that wouldn't allow Remus to leave. But still, Sirius felt obligated to stay with him. After their brief but somehow significant conversation, Remus had dozed off instantly. Sirius didn't understand how he could sleep after all that had happened, but he supposed that Remus must have been drained- physically and emotionally. Sirius was glad, though, that he was getting some rest. _Merlin knows he needs it_**,** Sirius thought, after closer inspection of the dark circles under Remus' eyes. Sirius wondered about all of the times that his friend had claimed to suffer from nightmares. In his sleep, Remus seemed so peaceful. So content. Much more so than he did when he was awake. Sirius couldn't remember the last time that Remus hadn't seemed troubled by something. He pondered the possibility that maybe the bad dreams didn't plague Remus' sleep. Maybe he woke up into a nightmare.

Seeing his Moony sleeping almost gave Sirius hope that everything might just actually be okay. It reminded him that some part of Remus still retained that childlike innocence. It was still there somewhere, just waiting to be set free.

Sirius longed to be the one to do so.

Hesitantly, Sirius reached his hand towards the sleeping boy's face. He stopped midway there, paused, and then proceeded to brush Remus' hair out of his face. It wasn't necessary. It fell right back into his eyes anyways. Remus wasn't awake; he wasn't bothered by it. But Sirius had done it just for the sake of touching Remus. Not in the creepy sense. He just wanted to be close to the other boy. Maybe to make up for the distance between them- the figurative kind. Emotionally.

This was one of the small moments in which Sirius could fully appreciate Remus' beauty. He was quiet and small and unassuming. Seemingly plain. But he was so… _fascinating_. Sirius observed Remus' eyelids and his long eyelashes. He knew that were they to flutter open, Remus' stormy grey eyes would be revealed. Some might call them dull, but Sirius knew better. He knew that they gave glimpses of the world inside of Remus. And there was a whole world inside of Remus. A whole, beautiful, complex, fascinating world. He was so much more than he seemed. And then there were his lips. His thin, careful lips. They were always careful to say the right things at the right times. Sirius loved him for that; He was so in control of himself. _He's the opposite of you,_ Sirius' brain told him, as if he needed reminding. He then pictured Remus' casual smirk. He was always careful never to smile too much. Sirius wished Remus could let himself go in that aspect, at least a little bit. Secretly, the smirk drove him crazy. But so did Remus' goofy grin. It was a rare sight to come by; rarely did Sirius ever see Remus that happy. But when he was, merlin it was beautiful. Sirius so often longed to kiss those lips. He knew it would never happen, but when he was alone, he let himself fantasize. If you didn't know Remus, his lips were just that- lips. But to Sirius, they were so much more. They were Remus. His lips, along with his eyes, and other features, had come to mean so much to Sirius, just because they belonged to Remus.

To Sirius, the most beautiful part of Remus was his scars. Even before Sirius had known about the self-injury, or how unhappy Remus truly was, he loved them. Remus was covered in scars from his ventures into the forest once a month. There was one that cut across his entire face. Sirius loved it. He loved Remus' scars, the newly discovered ones included. He knew that Remus hated them. But he loved them. He really did. He hated that they had hurt Remus. He hated to see Remus had been through so much pain. But the scars made Remus look as brave and strong as Sirius knew he was.

Remus had unknowingly snuggled closer to Sirius in his slumber. Sirius knew that Remus wasn't conscious of this, but still, he found himself enjoying it. He wished he could stay there forever. Almost but not too close to the one he loved, with plenty of warmth to share between the two of them. With the light coming from the moon barely illuminating their faces. With all their tears already cried out. Unfortunately, when the big clock on the wall struck five, Sirius was reminded that he needed to leave before the school healer returned to find him in bed with her patient. Sirius very reluctantly extricated himself from the blankets. The cold air embraced him bitterly, causing him to long for the warmth Remus was giving off in the small hospital bed. But reality had hit him once again, and it had hit him hard. He had been foolish to even let himself hope. _In fact_, Sirius thought_, he'd probably feel creeped out if he knew how you stayed and watched him all night._

Sirius was exhausted, and becoming increasingly distraught. He was confused on why he felt the way he felt. He was mad at himself for feeling that way. He was mad at Remus for not feeling the same way. He was mad at himself for letting Remus destroy himself. He was mad at Remus for destroying himself. He was tired of having to put a mask on. He was tired of feeling vulnerable.

He needed to get out.

He soon reached the Gryffindor common room without any memory of having walked there. It took him a while to come up with the password, but eventually he did, and he walked up to his dormitory with the Fat Lady cursing him for awakening her.

Sirius knew that James would not be happy with Sirius if he woke him up, but he didn't know what else to do. He needed to get out.

"James," Sirius whispered, gently shaking his other best friend. He then jumped back at the last possible second. If he hadn't, James would have gotten him right in the stomach. Instead, his fist found only air.

James really liked his sleep.

"James, I need your cloak. Please," Sirius pleaded.

One look at his best friend, and James knew. He sat up in his bed. "What's up?" He said, still tired, but worried.

"I need… I need to get away. I'm not going to class… I need your cloak. Please."

James knew that he should probably not let Sirius go. But Sirius wasn't one for talking, and James trusted him. And so he told Sirius where to take the invisibility cloak from his trunk, and went back to sleep.

Sirius wandered around the school aimlessly for a while. Eventually, he became too tired to go on. He found an empty broom cupboard, curled up inside, and fell asleep.

A little bit after midday, Sirius awoke, and headed for Hogsmeade.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi **** This chapter is slightly longer than the others, partly to make up for the long wait, and partly because I'm trying to gradually increase the length of my chapters. This chapter isn't very good, mainly because I have never been drunk, and therefore wasn't exactly sure how to write a drunk character. But yeah, I tried my best. Also, I don't mean to be annoying or pushy, but reviews really give me the motivation I need to get writing, so they would be much appreciated. Criticism would also be good **

**Chapter 6**

The Hog's Head was, for lack of a better word, shady. The pub was dark and dingy. Many of the tables were in the process of breaking or already broken, and they, along with the chairs, were covered in a thick layer of dust. The floors had obviously not been swept for a very long time. The glasses were obviously dirty; they were cloudy. The customers, for the most part, had their faces hidden within their cloaks. The bartender would serve anything to anyone. Typically, Sirius, along with the other Hogwarts students, avoided the place.

But when Sirius, under the protection of James' invisibility cloak, approached the one-eyed witch statue, pulled out his wand, said _dissendium_, and headed along the secret tunnel to Hogsmeade, the Hog's Head was the destination he had in mind. Because he wanted to get drunk. Contrary to popular belief, Sirius wasn't a huge drinker. Sure, he had the occasional butterbeer, but there were only two instances in which he had been actually drunk. The first time had been during a party after Gryffindor had won the house cup. The second had been a time like this. A time in which he wanted to forget. A time in which he wanted life to stop hurting so much. He didn't want to make a habit of it, but he didn't feel there was anything else he could do.

He took of the cloak and stashed it inside his robes, and then entered the pub, trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible. He was, after all, ditching school. He walked up to the counter and ordered a firewhisky. The bartender looked at him strangely for a moment, but eventually obliged. Galleons were galleons, he supposed.

Sirius then immediately headed to a table in the back. The pub wasn't very crowded, partly because it was the middle of the afternoon, and because it was snowing outside, but it never really was anyways. He wished there was a bigger crowd though, so he could blend in better.

Sitting there in that pub, when he should have been at school, drinking a drink he shouldn't have been doing, Sirius realized finally why Remus felt the need to do what he did. How physically hurting himself helped Remus deal with the internal pain, Sirius didn't know. But he knew what it was like to do something, anything, just to relieve it for a little bit. With every sip Sirius felt himself relaxing a little bit more. But it couldn't make him forget, not completely. He wished it could, more than anything. But the abuse and the neglect and the anger and the insecurity and the thoughts of his unrequited love were still there. They were always there, even if only at the very back of his mind. So he ordered another drink. And another. But everything still hurt, and it hurt even more when he realized there was nothing he could do to make it stop. He felt the desire to do something desperate building up inside him, though he wasn't entirely sure why. He was becoming increasingly reckless. _Was it like this last time? _His drunk mind wondered_. I remember this working better_. He was becoming number and number. He remembered what the hurt felt like, and he was still holding it closely, but his strong emotions lessened and he felt the need to do something. Anything.

Sirius was just standing up when James entered. His eyes searched the pub and finally landed on Sirius. He seemed slightly disappointed, but not all that surprised to find him there. Even though Sirius didn't have a huge drinking habit, James knew him well.

"Hullo Prongs," Sirius said, his words slurring together.

"Hey Padfoot," James responded. "What do you say we get out of here?"

Sirius expressed his agreement by staggering through the door, trailing behind James. He had barely placed a foot outside the door when he leaned over and retched into the snow, which was pure white, except for a few dirty footprints, and now vomit. The streets, just like the pub, were unusually empty. This was good, because it meant less people would see them. They shouldn't have been in Hogsmeade, and Sirius definitely should not have been too drunk to walk properly. But there they were, James supporting his now clumsy best friend. The empty streets however, also meant that those who could see them could _really _see them. James tried to throw the invisibility cloak, which he had grabbed from Sirius' table, over Sirius, but he soon tripped and the cloak was pulled off. Plus, James didn't really want puke on his cloak, so he abandoned his attempt. He would just have to hope nobody would see them.

By this point, Sirius was muttering incoherently. James caught a few words here and there like "Remus", "Blood", and "Alone", but none of them made any sense to him whatsoever. James eventually stopped listening, because he had to put all of his effort into dragging a very uncooperative Sirius through the streets. When Sirius fell over and landed face first, leaving a print of his body in the snow, James gave up on trying to get him all the way back to school. He decided it would be best to take him to the Shrieking Shack.

The Shrieking Shack was, well everybody thought it was, an old abandoned house in Hogsmeade. However, it had only been built a few years before, when Remus had come to Hogwarts. Very, very few people knew this. Dumbledore had commissioned it for Remus to use during the full moon. It had gained its nickname when the villagers heard the cries of the wolf in the night. It seemed many of them believed that the shack was haunted. But James and his friends were very well acquainted with the shack, given they joined Remus there once a month. James made sure nobody was around before walking up to the house and opening the door. He quickly shoved Sirius inside.

The room was in tatters. It was full of old furniture, which was now broken. The curtains were ripped and many of the floor boards had been torn out. There were blood spatters on the wall, which he knew belonged to Remus. When he transformed, he often bit himself. The only light was coming from James' wand, because he had preformed _Lumos_. Remus had previously torn the light from the ceiling, so the room was typically dark. The shack was just creepy. But for the four marauders, it had become a sort of sanctuary.

James plopped Sirius up against the wall.

"You're drunk," James stated plainly.

"Am I?" Sirius said, a slight amusement tugging at the corners of his lips. "I hadn't noticed." Then he started laughing, as if he has said the most humorous thing ever.

The next moment, though, he was crying, and James was left unsure of what to do. It made him uncomfortable to see anybody cry, but this was his best friend. He had only seen Sirius cry once, when he had run away from home. Sirius had shown up on James' doorstep, with only a small bag, his eyes full of tears. He had been living with James ever since. Never again had he seen Sirius so upset. James knew, of course, that Sirius was not as happy as he seemed. But he was bawling his eyes out. He kept biting his hand, as if to stop himself from crying out. He pulled Sirius' hand from his mouth when he broke the skin and drew blood. James didn't think he had ever seen anybody this upset. And he didn't even know why. James was almost…_scared_. So he sat with Sirius for what seemed like hours, his hands holding onto Sirius' wrists, until the tears finally stopped coming.

"Anything bothering you?" James asked nonchalantly.

Sirius' answer sounded so carefree and light, if he didn't know better, James would never have guessed he had been crying moments before. "Just a tad bit stressed."

"Merlin, Padfoot. You've been crying for a girl for nearly half an hour!" James and Sirius often teased each other, so Sirius knew that James wasn't serious. He laughed.

Normally, Sirius wouldn't have said anything. He would have joked it off and let it be. But he was drunk and his guard was way down and James had already seen him crying anyways. "S-Sorry 'bout that, Prongs." He was now stuttering, and his words were still slurring together, like one single, long, dragged out word.

"Siiirrriusly," James said, making fun of his friend's name. "What's up? Some girl finally break your heart this time? Pull yourself together, man!"

"Says the one who's been pining over the same witch since first year," Sirius shot back, his drunkenness more obvious with every word.

"Hey, that actually worked!"

Sirius continued as though he hadn't heard James say anything at all. "Besides, I wish it were that easy."

"Is it your parents? Regulus?" James queried, his voice taking on a slightly more serious tone.

Sirius shook his head. "Although undoubtedly things would be much easier if they weren't pureblood obsessed maniacs. 'Cause you know," he started. "They tend to go with the majority in every situation."

"What in Merlin's pants are you going on about?"

"They favor- They favor more than just purebloods, of course. Chances are you're not worth shit, 'less you're rich, white, straight…"  
"Right. Still failing to see how this affects you in any way. You're all of those things."

Sirius was quiet for a long time after that. James could have sworn he was doing it on purpose, just to keep him in the dark. But Sirius just honestly wasn't sure what to say or do. But his judgment was impaired, and there was still that desperate feeling clinging on inside of him. And so he leaned forward and kissed James.

He didn't like James. Not even close. He liked Remus. And even if he did, he would never go after James, who was with Lily. But he was running out of words, and he didn't know how else to tell James that maybe he _wasn't_ straight. Plus, he was kind of curious to know what it felt like with another bloke.

For a moment, James was far too shocked to do anything. Sirius _kissing_ him? A million things were running through his head. He eventually pushed Sirius off, not too harshly. James' lips now tasted vaguely of alcohol and vomit. But he didn't have time to think of this. He couldn't process anything. He couldn't get his words out.

"You- me- you're not- you don't- not like that- wha?"

Sirius had shushed him. " No. Not like that. Definitely not you. I don't think I would go after you if you were a girl. Not my taste." He said, smirking.

James felt a little relieved, but he was too confused for that to make much of a difference. "But you just- you just k-kissed me."

"Just wanted to see what it would feel like." Sirius was too drunk to even feel embarrassed. He would, of course, regret his rash decision the next morning. "Sorry to disappoint, but my feelings for you are completely platonic."

"Do you- boys- Are you-?"

Gay. _Are you gay, Sirius_? James' mind was still reeling. Was he gay? But then why was he with so many girls all the time? Never once had Sirius done anything that might have hinted at this. He wondered if Remus had known. He wondered if- and who- Sirius had seemingly fallen for. He wondered why Sirius hadn't told him. Weren't they friends? _Don't you trust me, Sirius_?

"I- I don't care, you know. We're best mates. You can tell me,"

Sirius' voice became a whimper. "He doesn't feel the same way. He couldn't. I know he doesn't. I can't tell him. But I love him. He needs to know somebody loves him. But I do. And I can't tell him. Because I'm a boy. He's a boy. We're both boys, James. He likes girls. I know he does. He had- He had a girlfriend. He loved her. But I love him." Sirius was muttering quietly by this point, so James could barely hear. Tears were returning to his eyes, and James really didn't want Sirius bawling again.

"Hey- Hey, its okay." He wasn't good at comforting people. He really wasn't. But he couldn't stand to see him cry anymore. "He would be lucky to have you. If he's not an idiot, he'll realize that." James didn't actually think a straight boy would just turn gay for him, but he didn't say that, not with Sirius in this state. "Nobody else is gonna care either, you know. You're still the same Sirius you've always been."

Remus was nervous. His first one-on-one counseling session was that evening. He had no idea what to expect. He was tapping his foot in a quickly paced rhythm, and he was wringing his hands. At one point he had been pacing his section of the wing, but Madam Pomfrey had chastised him, and so he had stopped. He was glad, at least, that he wouldn't have to face group therapy, not yet anyways. He didn't want to talk to a bunch of depressed teenagers, even though he was one himself. Well he didn't really want to spill all of his secrets to a "mental health healer" either, but he figured one person would be easier to face than a whole room of people. But there was no way it could actually help him. Remus thought it would be best to make the healer think he was getting better. He could pretend to be okay, and then when all the adults felt he was doing well enough, he could withdraw into himself once again.

That was one of the things that Remus hated the most about the whole thing; the adults in his life had come along and taken all of his personal freedom and privacy away from him. He wasn't crazy. He knew what he was doing. It was his decision. They didn't have the right to do what they were doing. It was his life.

When the clock struck 4:50, Madam Pomfrey accompanied Remus to Dumbledore's office. His appointment was at 5. Dumbledore had arranged for the floo network in his fireplace to be open for a short period of time, so Remus could get to St. Mungo's. They arrived at the ugly stone gargoyle marking the door to Dumbledore's office, and Madam Pomfrey muttered a password. The gargoyle sprang to life, and the wall opened up. They stepped onto the spiral staircase, and it moved them upwards. Eventually, they came to a door adorned with a griffin-shaped knocker. Dumbledore opened the door before either of them could knock, and beckoned them inside.

There wasn't much time for talking, because Remus had about two minutes until his appointment. Madam Pomfrey grabbed a pinch of floo powder from a bowl Dumbledore handed her, threw it in the fire, which proceeded to turn green, as she shouted "St. Mungo's!". Remus followed suit.

Overall, the night didn't go too horribly. Well, it was, at least, not as bad as Remus had expected it to be. Madam Pomfrey had easily navigated their way through the maze of a hospital. Together they walked up to the psychiatric ward. In the ward, there was a section of offices. This was where Remus too meet his healer. Madam Pomfrey took him to the door of the healer's office, introduced them, and then went on her way, promising to be back on the hour.

The healer had also been a lot more…. _Normal_ than he had expected. She had been friendly and bubbly. She was maybe in her late 20s or early 30s. The beginning of meeting had been spent on her getting to know Remus. She asked about his school life, his home life, about his friends, and more. After twenty minutes, she finally asked him for the reason of his visit. He knew that she already knew; the adults had, of course, taken care of that. But apparently she wanted to hear it from him. He told her that they had made him come. Remus was a lot more honest than he expected he would be. He ended up telling her almost everything. He didn't realize it would feel so good to get it all out. He had never told anyone this much. And it couldn't hurt, right? She was paid to listen to his bullshit, and to keep it all confidential. He told her all about the night he was bitten. He told of his parents fighting. He told of being bullied when he was sent to an elementary school. He told of being bullied at Hogwarts. He told of his insecurity and self-hatred. He even told her that he liked girls and guys. She didn't even bat an eye, which meant more to him than anyone ever would have understood. He told her of his parents attempting to heal him. He told of his love for his womanizer friend. There were hardly any details that he left out. He was, at first, mad at himself for opening up. He had promised himself that he wouldn't. He had even made up a whole plan to get the whole thing over with as soon as possible. But then he realized, telling the truth, at least the beginning of the truth, would make it much more believable when he needed to lie. Which he would need to do, if he ever wanted to be left alone again.

Madam Pomfrey had come to retrieve Remus at exactly 6. She then informed him, on their way back to the headmaster's office, that he would only be required to stay in the hospital wing for one more day and one more night.

Remus couldn't wait until he was free again. It would be difficult of course, to cut now that Sirius knew his secret, and Madam Pomfrey would be checking up on him. But in the hospital wing, it was completely impossible. He would take what he could get. He couldn't wait to let that blade dance across his skin once more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Before you read this, I have a few questions. I was thinking of adding Snape in the next chapter. How would you feel about that? Also, do you want more of James and Lily, or less? I know there hasn't been a lot of Sirius and Remus together lately, but there will be soon, I promise. Just bear with it. Also, does anybody know if Remus' parents are purebloods or muggles or what?**

**Chapter 7**

Remus had been out of the hospital wing for only a few days, and already Sirius was following him around like a lost puppy. The only time he could possibly cut was in the shower, and even then Sirius was usually hanging around nearby. He knew Sirius was trying to protect him, to keep him safe from himself. But it was still making Remus angry. Madam Pomfrey was only checking his arms, which he thought was a little idiotic on her part, but he definitely wasn't complaining. He didn't have the time to have a full blown session like he normally did, but he would make a few quick cuts whenever he had the chance. He was taking his blade with him everywhere he went, along with a rag he used to clean himself up. Sirius and Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey all thought that they were helping him. But all they were doing was making him more secretive. Remus decided, though, that there was one person he could trust. With some things, at least.

Lily Evans, girlfriend of James Potter, was one of Remus' closest friends, behind James, Sirius, and Peter. However, he felt she might take what he had to say a little better than anyone else. He almost changed his mind, three times, on his way to meet her. What was he thinking? He had _sworn _to never tell anybody. But he was about to explode. He was lonely, and sick of it. His thighs were now covered in cuts, and they were still getting deeper. He felt so weak. He had to get it out. Lily was accepting, non-judgmental, and she was good at keeping secrets. So why was he so freaked out? Looking back on the event, he wished he could have told himself how silly he was being.

When he reached the tree under which he was meeting Lily, he saw her smiling with her twinkling green eyes. She was sitting on a blanket which covered the grass, with a basket of food, waving for him to join her. He had asked her at breakfast that day to meet her here right for lunch. He had told her that he needed to talk. But he was still tempted to back out. What had he been thinking? He couldn't do this. He couldn't.

"Tell me what's on your mind." Lily's voice pulled Remus out of his reverie, stopping him from retreating back farther into himself.

Remus paused for a moment. _Here goes nothing,_ he thought. "You're going to think I'm mad."

"I already know that you're bonkers," Lily said, with a seriousness in her eyes that betrayed her playful tone. "So get on with it." She smiled. "Do I finally get to know where you were last week?"

"I was in the hospital." He said a little too quickly, for fear that fear would paralyze him and he would say nothing. Lily instantly responded with worried look, and numerous questions as to why he was where he was. He looked at her for a moment, and in that moment, she knew. Lily was a bright witch. She could see it, his hurt, in his hesitance to answer. All of the pieces clicked together in her mind. She had seen much of the worst of him. She knew he was depressed. She knew he was lonely. She had seen him cry in the hopeless way that a depressed, lonely person does. She knew the things he had gone through.

"Let me see," she demanded, as pleasantly as she could, trying to stop the anxiety from creeping into her voice. Seeing his weariness, she added, "Nobody's out here. They're all at lunch. Show me."

He was glad that Lily had guessed, so that he didn't have to put all he needed to say into words. But pulling up his sleeves, that was no ordinary task, not for Remus. But he did it. He did it in a desperate attempt not to be left alone anymore.

Lily gasped.

There were more than she thought there would be. They were worse than she thought they would be. Much, much worse. Hundreds, thousands of scars. All of the depression, anger, suffering, numbness, pain, longing, nostalgia, represented by thin white lines and thicker purplish lines on his arms. He felt relief when he saw that she wasn't repulsed by him. But then another fear struck him.

"Look me in the eye." Remus said suddenly. "Please," He added, sounding as desperate as he usually tried to avoid being.

She obliged.

"I'm not…You can't look at me like a kicked puppy. Promise you won't treat me like a little kid."

"I- I won't. But Merlin, Remus… Why?"  
_I can't tell you that. You would never look at me in the same way. I can't. I wish I could. But I can't lose you. I'm surprised you haven't left already. I can't tell you. That would make it even harder for you to stay._

"You wouldn't understand,"

Lily felt he was underestimating her. Who was he to decide what she did and didn't understand? While Lily had never taken such drastic measures, she was no stranger to pain. She had been bullied her whole life. It started in elementary school, when the other kids thought she was weird. After she got her Hogwarts letter, her sister, Petunia, who had also been her best friend, decided that she was a freak. When she got to Hogwarts, many of the students called her names because she was muggle born. Her best friend at the time, Severus, had even joined in on this. Lily knew self-hatred well.

"Well, its worth a shot isn't it? I mean, nobody's gonna understand completely. But I can try. You know what I've been through."

"I know. It's just- its complicated. People have a history of not understanding me. I thought my parents would understand, but they didn't. Sirius tries to understand, but he…he doesn't. He can't."

"This is about Sirius, isn't it?" Remus responded with a blank stare, then stuttered a bit. "I've seen the way you look at him, you know. So has anybody with eyes."

"This isn't- No- Not,"

Lily shushed him. "I'm not stupid you know. What, do you think people care, because you're both boys? I thought you were smarter than that."

"But people do care! My own parents are trying to 'pray the gay away'!" Remus said, exasperated. It was only after the words escaped his lips that he realized he had just exposed his own secret.

"Well," Lily started. "Not everybody thinks that way. In fact, very few people do these days. Don't listen to them. There's nothing wrong with you, you know. My parents are Christians, and they're totally fine with, you know. So am I."

Remus just looked at her, at a loss for words.

Ever since Sirius had gotten drunk, cried, and kissed him, James had not left him alone. For one thing, he wanted to make sure Sirius was okay. But he was also interested in learning the full story. _Was he really gay? Or bi? Or just experimenting? Who did he like? Or love? Did anybody know? Why was he drunk? And crying?_ James was, by nature, just a very curious person. Not knowing all the details was hard for him. But Sirius was determined to keep it to himself. When he had sobered up, he had been so embarrassed. Alcohol made him a little bit too honest. It had taken him a while to remember what had happened, but the sight of James had brought the memory back to mind. _Why the fuck would you __**kiss him**__?_ Sirius scolded himself. _Perfect way to give him the wrong idea_. Plus, he was never planning on telling anybody. James didn't seem to even care. But Sirius was still about as far back in the closet as one could go. Only he was getting claustrophobic. He hated it. He hated being trapped. He hated being different, he hated having to lie about it. He hated not being himself. He hated having a part to portray.

To Sirius' dismay, neither Remus, Lily, or Peter were at lunch that day. Meaning he was left alone with James. James was, of course, happy for the opportunity to question Sirius further. But Sirius was, despite his casual demeanor, terrified. He couldn't tell James more than he already knew. He couldn't. Could he?

James was persistent. Sirius learned this when he saw James chase the same girl for seven consecutive years. "No's" didn't discourage him; they made him try harder.

"Please talk to me,"

"I was drunk. I don't even remember half of what happened. You can't expect me to remember what I was thinking."

"Being drunk doesn't change who you are. I've actually heard that it makes you more yourself."

"Codswallop."

"Sirius,"

"James,"

"Just tell me."

"There's nothing to tell,"

James and Sirius had been bickering like this for days, as soon as nobody else was around. James was right, and they both knew it. But Sirius refused to admit it; He tried to pretend that it was just the alcohol. And in a way, it was. Sirius never would have cried like that without something to break down his defenses. He never would have kissed another boy if his judgment wasn't so impaired. He never would have mentioned loving another boy if his thoughts hadn't been bleeding together, with no barrier to stop them from coming out. But Sirius still knew why he did what he did. And James thought that he did too.

"I thought we were best mates," James said.

"We are. Though I'm now seriously regretting that decision."

"Best mates tell each other things."

"Seriously James, there's nothing to tell! There's no big secret! I was drunk and stupid and messing around." Sirius said, a little louder than he expected. A few heads turned around and looked at him. He stormed off.

James followed.

When Sirius ended up in their dormitory, and saw James enter behind him, he said, "You're a prat you know."

"You're one to talk. Clotpole." James responded, a goofy grin on his face. As much as he cared about Sirius, and really wanted to know what was wrong, he found satisfaction in teasing him.

"Merlin, what would I have to do to get you to leave me alone?"

"Hm…" James pretended to consider this for a moment. "Nothing." His smile left when Sirius started to turn away. James pulled out his wand and performed a leg locker curse on Sirius, so that he couldn't move.

"What the hell, James!"

"You're gay," he stated.

"Am not."

"You kissed me."

"For fun. Now let me go."

"You told me you love someone. A boy. You said he."

"You probably just misinterpreted things. Let. Me. Go."

"Sirius,"

_Fine. I give up. _"Okay, fine."

"Faggot."

"What?" Sirius said, worriedly. _What have I done? Does he hate me now? Oh merlin, I'm an idiot. I hate my life._

James' face broke into a smile again. "Dude, I'm kidding. I already knew. It was obvious, the moment you told me you were in love with a male. I knew you couldn't possibly be _that_ drunk. You really can't hold your alcohol, you know. So who's the lucky guy?"

Sirius groaned.

'


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

***Trigger warning***

That Friday was the day before the full moon, and Remus felt like shit. He was tired, nauseous, irritable, and even more sad than he usually was. He had gone to all of his classes, even though he could have easily gotten excused. Remus would only miss school if he absolutely needed to, though. He didn't really get much out of the lessons, though, because he had been focusing so hard on keeping all of his tears back.

He didn't actually know why he was so sad. Things weren't actually going too horribly for him, besides the whole counseling thing. He had come out to Lily, and she had assured him that there was nothing wrong with him. She didn't think that he was a freak. That helped him feel so much better about himself. Both Lily and Sirius knew about his self-harm and didn't think any differently about him. Sure, they kept an annoyingly close watch on him, and they both wanted to help more than they could, but it was more than he could hope for. He could still call them friends.

But, for some reason, the urge to cut was growing stronger. By during his last class of the day, potions, he could barely stop himself from pulling out his blade right then and there. He wanted it so badly. That was the only thing that could make the pain stop. Even if it was only temporary, it was the only thing that worked. Remus thought back to his conversation with the Headmaster, and realized that Dumbledore had been right- cutting was addicting. Remus had denied this, but he knew it was true. He couldn't stop. And even if he could, he didn't want to. Sirius had once expressed to him his confusion on this- How did adding physical pain into the mix help the emotional pain? Remus didn't really know how to explain it. It was a distraction. He would make a mess of himself because he was a mess on the inside. He needed to physically see the pain that he felt. It didn't make sense, but at the same time, it was the only thing that made sense to Remus. Physical pain made sense. Blood trickling down his arm made sense. His brain could process those things. But he couldn't process what was going on inside of him. Because that didn't make any sense.

So when the bell finally rang after a very, very long day, Remus rushed off to the boys bathroom. He went all the way to one on the opposite side of the castle, because nobody ever used that one. It was run-down and dirty. While it wasn't the most pleasant place, it was perfect when you didn't want anybody to find you.

Unfortunately, Sirius had noticed Remus acting weird all day. So once their last class let out, he followed Remus to the abandoned bathroom, only to find him pulling a blade out of his bag.

"Put it down, Moony," Sirius said cautiously, as to not scare the other boy.

Remus didn't look scared. Sirius looked scared. Because Remus looked desperate. Which he was. And that scared Sirius. Remus put the blade to his wrist, and pushed down hard. He just didn't care about anything. Sirius had seen him cut once already. What was one more time? By the time his blood was flowing, he had forgotten that Sirius was there. He had forgotten that Madam Pomfrey would be checking his arms the next day. He forgot everything; the world seemed to fall away, and it was just Remus and his blade. There was the familiar sting, and then there was the familiar rush. His heart was pounding the way it always did. There was a thrill from doing something he wasn't supposed to do. There was relief in bleeding out his problems. There was a good kind of dizziness, an exhilarating kind. There was pleasure. One cut, two cuts, three cuts, and then Sirius was there, wrapping his strong arms around the smaller boy.

Remus screamed. Sirius hoped nobody was around to hear. Fortunately, nobody came in. Sirius, as a precautionary measure, placed a silencing charm around the bathroom. Remus was crying. And bleeding. It was the worst sight in the world. Remus was struggling against Sirius, trying to set himself free. The blade fell to the ground, and Remus gave a loud sob. All Sirius could do was tighten his grip around his friend's arms. He felt sick to his stomach. This was worse than the first time he had found Remus. Much, much worse. He wasn't bleeding nearly as badly; he only had a few cuts. Sirius wasn't as shocked, either, because he had already suspected what he would find when he entered the bathroom this time. But Remus seemed so much more... _broken_. He wasn't just crying. He wasn't just bawling. He was screaming, as if that would help him escape his pain. His entire body was shaking, and he was a mess of blood, tears, and snot. Sirius was too worried to be grossed out, and Remus was too upset to be embarrassed. Sirius was still standing there, just holding Remus' arms down. What was he supposed to do? Slowly, he lowered them to the floor, so that Sirius was leaning against the wall, and Remus was leaning against Sirius, with his arms still restricted. By this point, he was barely struggling. He knew that Sirius was much stronger than he, and that Sirius wasn't about to give up and let go.

Also, as upset and desperate and insane as he felt, Remus could still appreciate how nice it felt to be held in Sirius' arms. The relief his blade had brought him was long gone, and it felt as though Sirius' arms could protect him from the rest of the world. For a moment, he let himself pretend. He let himself pretend that Sirius loved him too. He let himself pretend that Sirius was here because he cared, rather than out of obligation. He just imagined, just for a moment, that Sirius could always be there to put him back together.

If only Sirius knew what Remus had been thinking. He thought that Remus was annoyed with him. He thought Remus might be starting to resent him. He also didn't think Remus would appreciate another boy hugging him so tightly. But at the moment, Sirius didn't care. He was willing to sacrifice his pride to keep his Moony safe. He would sacrifice anything to keep his Moony safe.

After maybe ten minutes, when Remus' sobs had, for the most part, died down, Sirius felt it would be alright to let go of Remus. He did, but Remus didn't move. The smaller boy was still leaning against him, and so Sirius hesitantly wrapped an arm around Remus' waist. He ran his other hand through Remus' tawny hair soothingly. Remus relaxed even more into Sirius, letting himself be held. Eventually, his cries completely stopped. Sirius then carefully grabbed a hold on Remus' arm, which at first was unwilling to be held. Remus eventually gave in, though, and Sirius pulled back the sleeve which had fallen down. He examined the three cuts closely, and ran his fingers over them all, not caring that he was getting himself bloody.

"These are pretty deep, Moony," Sirius said, more quietly and carefully than Remus knew he was capable of being. "It might be best to take you to Madam Pomfrey,"

He was met with immediate groans of disapproval. "I'll be fine," Remus assured his friend weakly. "I've done worse."

But this wasn't enough for Sirius. Remus, always careful and precise, had gotten careless in taking care of himself. He didn't value his life. He didn't care if he lived or died. But Sirius did. "Moony," He began, knowing he was treading on a delicate matter. "I want you to know that I do this because I care about you." He desperately hoped that he wasn't giving away too much. "But you really need to get these cleaned up and checked properly. I'm going to take you to the hospital wing." Sirius was surprised by how calm and collected he sounded. That was definitely not how he felt. Plus, he had never been good with this kind of stuff.

Remus still protested, but what he wanted wasn't very important at this point. Sirius was, for one thing, much stronger than he was. For another thing, Remus was in an unusually weak state. The cuts he had made_ had_ been deep, and the screaming and crying had also taken a lot of his already diminished energy. Plus, the full moon was approaching quickly, and he had already felt sick and exhausted even before his mental breakdown.

Sirius, for the second time that month, carried a bleeding Remus to the hospital wing.

James had not been able to think of anything else that day besides his conversation with Sirius the previous day. He still wasn't sure he could fully understand what had happened. He was having a really hard time processing it.

_"So, who's the lucky guy?" James had asked._

_ Sirius had only groaned in response. _

_ "Come on, you git. Who is he?"_

_ "You're the git if you think I'm gonna tell you that."_

_ "What, its not Snivellus is it?" James joked._

_ Sirius proceeded to hit James with a pillow._

_ "Tell me. Or I'll tell the whole entire school that you like blokes."_

_ "Do that and I'll send around some of the poetry you've written for Lily."_

_ That had silenced James._

_ After a moment of the silence, Sirius, to James' surprise, had been the one to end it. "Promise not to laugh?"_

_ "Yeah, yeah, get on with it."_

_ "You have to promise. And you have to promise not to tell him. Or anyone." Sirius was pleading._

_ "Geez, somebody's on his man period," James teased. But he promised anyways._

_ Sirius took a long, deep breath. "It's Remus."_

Sirius liked- loved- Remus. James' best friend was in love with his other best friend. And he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about it. He also couldn't help but wonder why Sirius had been crying so hard. It couldn't have been just because of this, could it? He knew Sirius was drunk, but he wasn't one to overreact.

James had been thinking this all day, until that evening, Lily, his girlfriend, had entered the common room. She sat next to him on one of the comfortable sofas and said, "I need to talk to you."

At this, a hundred horrible scenarios ran through his head, from her breaking up with him to her dying of a terminal illness. When she opened her mouth, however, it was Remus that she spoke of. "I'm worried about him." She said."I-I shouldn't tell you. I promised him I wouldn't. But-He's not doing so well, James."

"He'll be fine," James reassured her. He felt much better now that he was sure he wasn't getting broken up with. "He always is. He doesn't look it, but he's strong. He's been through a lot. Always pulls through."

"James," She pleading, trying to make him take her seriously. "I think this is different. Can you talk to him? Please?" She begged. He agreed, only because it would have been impossible to do otherwise when she was making those adorable puppy dog eyes at him.

She smiled at him and snuck in a quick kiss. He then entangled her fingers with hers.

After a few moments of just sitting there, enjoying each other's touch, James spoke again. "I had an interesting conversation with Sirius last night. She looked up at him, encouraging him to continue. "He'll probably kill me if I tell you this."

By this point, Lily was really curious. "We'll I'm sure we can both take him, if the time comes. Tell me! You can't keep me in suspense like this."

He dragged out the silence a little bit longer, just because he loved seeing her uncomfortable. Finally, he opened his mouth, though, and said, "Sirius is gay."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the matchmaker in Lily had begun to formulate a plan.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Sirius spent the next few hours in the hospital wing with Remus. After Madam Pomfrey cleaned him up, they sat together on the bed in the little curtained-off room that Remus had been using when he stayed in the wing before. A house-elf had brought them dinner a few hours early, and as they ate, they sat and talked.

"I wish you didn't feel the need to, you know." Sirius started. He was so bad at wording things. He just wanted to express to Remus how horrible it felt to stand there and watch him hurt in such a way. Sirius couldn't understand what was going on inside Remus, but he still saw all of the external signs of the internal pain. The scars. The cuts. The blood. The tears. The silence. The screaming. He was watching Remus self-destruct, and it was tearing him apart.

"I'm sorry you keep having to see me." Remus said plainly. He acted so... professional about everything. Looking at Remus now, it was almost hard for Sirius to see the weeping, broken boy from before. But he knew that Remus was doing that on purpose. Because that's who Remus was. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. He didn't want to be a burden. But Sirius would gladly let Remus burden him, if that meant that Remus wouldn't take it out on himself.

"Look," Sirius said. "Why don't you just... You can come to me. When you feel like... I can sit with you. Until...Until the urge passes."

Remus hated how Sirius couldn't actually say it. He couldn't say, "When you feel like cutting yourself". Remus almost felt as though Sirius was ashamed of it. Ashamed of him. But he was glad for the offer. That didn't mean that he would take Sirius up on it, though. Remus didn't want to stop. So he just muttered a quick thank you and took an unnaturally large bite out of his sandwich so he wouldn't have to say anything more.

He wasn't going to get let off the hook that easy, though. "So... Anything bothering you, then?" Sirius asked. This was new for him. He wasn't the one people went to cry to. He wasn't the one who comforted people when they were in need. Typically, that was Remus. But it had become evident that Remus could not turn to himself for comfort. Who else did he have to turn to? Sirius would have to lend his shoulder.

"It's- it's nothing. Not really a big deal. I was just...I was upset and I felt a little ill. It was stupid."

"Is it because of the full moon tomorrow?"

"Er- yeah," Remus said. That was partly true. For one thing, it hurt. He always felt horrible for the few days before and after. And the actual transformation was unbelievably painful. It also was a reminder of how unnatural he was. He was a monster. He could almost- almost, but not quite- forget that for the rest of the month. But when he was suffering all of the symptoms of lycanthropy, it was impossible to pretend he was normal.

When Sirius muttered condolences, however, about how it would be fine and it wasn't Remus' fault, this did nothing to help Remus

Because Remus was starting to feel like a monster the rest of his time anyways. Lily had told him he was normal. That he was born that way. But he was having a very hard time believing it. What if she was wrong? What if she was lying? It also didn't help that he was constantly surrounded by the one person he would always want but could never have: Sirius. It was harder than he had ever thought it would be to keep his heart undercover. When he had been first discovering his feelings for other boys, he had told himself that he could easily keep it secret. After all, he liked girls too. He thought he could just ignore any same-sex attraction. But this was more than that. This was love. He knew that it was. He loved Sirius. And how could love be wrong?

But they had told him so many times that it was. They had forced it into his mind. And so he believed them. It felt as though he had spent his whole life running from his feelings, running from himself. He had grown up, like many children, with parents who said they loved him and knew the best for him. So Remus had always taken their word as fact, without question. He drank his milk and ate his broccoli because they said it was good for him. He never had too many sweets because they said they were bad for him. He went to school and got good grades because they told him that was the only way he would ever make something of himself. He went to church and believed in God because they told him that he was real, and that he was the creator and savior of the world. But then they had told him that their all-powerful, all-loving God would not love him if he liked boys. They had told him it was an abomination.

Then his parents had gone on to say that Remus himself wasn't an abomination. It was only his actions that God had a problem with. Only they weren't just actions, they were his feelings. So he tried to hide them. To fight them. He thought maybe that if he could repress them for long enough that they would just go away. But Remus soon found that he couldn't separate his feelings from himself. He was bisexual.

Sometimes, Remus could almost believe that was just who he was. That there was nothing he, or anyone, could do about it.

But that was like trying to make him believe that broccoli was bad for him and sweets were good for him. It seemed crazy. Wrong.

And so he went through his life believing he was an abomination. Remus felt sometimes that he was using his blade to cut out the parts of him that didn't match up with who he was supposed to be. But it never actually worked. Because at the end of the day, no matter how many cuts he had made, no matted who he had convinced otherwise, he was who he was. And there was nothing he could do about that.

But he kept trying.

"James, Peter, and I will be there with you the whole time." Sirius reassured him. Every full moon, the three boys snuck out with Remus in their animagus forms. This had helped Remus to retain more of himself throughout his transformation. It made him less violent, and less likely to hurt anybody, including himself. "Madam Pomfrey says you should just stay here for the night, 'cause you'll have to come in tomorrow anyways. Everyone's going to Hogsmeade tomorrow, but I can stay with you if you want."

This meant more to Remus than Sirius could have known. He knew that Sirius had been looking forward to this Hogsmeade trip for a long time. The fact that he was willing to give it up, just to stay with him, made Remus felt cared for. It made him feel like he was actually important. It let him know that somebody would have actually minded his absence.  
"You don't have to do that," Remus said, out of obligation. He really hoped that Sirius would stay, but he didn't want to ruin his friend's day.

Sirius, however, would have much rather spent the day alone with Remus in the hospital than tagging along behind James, Lily, Peter, and his girlfriend, Hope. He would have chosen Remus over anything.

Then, before Sirius could respond, Madam Pomfrey pulled back the curtain separating Remus and Sirius from what felt like the rest of the world.

"Your group therapy's tonight. Dumbledore says he still wants you to attend. Better get up to his office."

"But it should be dark soon! I should be getting out of the castle soon before the transformation!" Remus immediately argued.

"The headmaster seems to think that you'll have plenty of time. The meeting is only an hour long."

She left again.

When Remus gave an exasperated sigh, Sirius offered to come with him. Remus refused. He had no idea what to expect, but he didn't know if Sirius would be welcome. He also wasn't sure if Sirius would somehow end up with more information than Remus wanted him to know.

"Let me at least walk you there."

Lily knew three things. She knew that Remus and Sirius were both gay, and that Remus was in love with Sirius. She also knew that Sirius was much more likely to make the first move than Remus was. This meant that if her plan of getting them together was to work, she had to see if Sirius liked Remus too. She had been able to tell that Remus liked Sirius on her own, but Sirius was much harder to read. He was always very guarded when it came to his feelings, and he was always careful to put on a mask of indifference and nonchalance. He was also a total flirt, and always surrounded by girls. Had James not told her that Sirius was, in fact, gay, Lily never would have been able to guess. So the first step in her plan was figuring out if Sirius loved, or at least liked Remus too.

The next step was building up their confidence. Remus was, as everybody already knew, very shy and insecure in himself. Sirius was seemingly confident, but apparently he wasn't being entirely himself. She somehow needed to make them both see that it was okay to be exactly who they were. She had to make them believe that they deserved to be happy and loved. Lily appreciated that this would probably be the most difficult part of her plan; she knew how hard it was to learn to love and accept yourself.

Next, Lily would need to get one of the two boys to come out fully. To everybody. That way, the other might feel less afraid and alone. Lily wasn't sure who it would be easier to convince. Sirius, of course, seemed like the obvious choice. But at the same time, Sirius had more of a reputation to protect. He was a ladies man. Remus, however, had only ever had one girlfriend. Lily had a feeling that if Sirius came out, everyone would think he was just experimenting. Remus would probably get taken more seriously.

If Remus came out, Lily would probably be able to get Sirius to admit his feelings. This step would probably be difficult too. Sirius had never admitted real feelings to anyone. Lily, looking back on it, wouldn't be surprised if Sirius had never liked anybody else, besides Remus, if he even did like Remus. James and Sirius were best friends. But she had always known that Remus and Sirius had some sort of special bond. Even if they didn't like each other in that way, their friendship was too strong to ever be broken. As best friends, or as a couple, Sirius and Remus were great together.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" James spoke before Lily had even noticed that he had joined her in the common room. She quickly covered up the parchment she had been writing her plans all over, but not before he could see the two names scrawled on the top of the parchment.

"Remus and Sirius…" James began. Two seconds later, she saw the realization hit him. "Lily, no!" He said suddenly. "You don't- You can't get involved!"

"I'm not going to get involved. I'm just going to… Give them a little push."  
"Wait," he said. "Does Remus like Sirius?

"Does Sirius like Remus?" She asked, ignoring his question.

A slow smile slowly crept onto his face. As much as James pretended otherwise, he loved meddling just as much as Lily did.


	10. Chapter 10

**Okay, so I recently realized that I made a mistake in the last chapter. The last two chapters took place on a Friday, and I mentioned that the full moon was the day after, which was Saturday. But when Madam Pomfrey told Remus that he had therapy, he reacted as though the full moon was that night. So yeah, just ignore that. Sorry about that. This chapter isn't very good, but I was getting impatient to get on to the next chapter. However, this needed to happen. So yeah, I'm sorry that this isn't my best work, but I hope you enjoy :)  
**

**Chapter 10**

Remus entered the room where his group therapy was being held, unsure of what to expect. He knew that he would be meeting with other wizards and witches who self-harmed. But that was about it. Saying that Remus was nervous would have been an understatement. He was getting shaky and sweaty. As soon as he had arrived by floo powder, he had contemplated making a run for it, before the logical side of his brain started working again. He had no choice but to stay. Especially now that Madam Pomfrey, and surely Dumbledore, knew that he had cut himself again. Remus felt resentful towards Sirius for taking him to the hospital wing; he should have just left it alone. Remus would have remained alive and well.

Alive, at least.

Nonetheless, he found himself walking across a checkered tile floor towards a group of people sitting on chairs that were arranged in a circle. He still felt sick, and now nervous, along with horribly depressed. Remus wasn't actually sure how he forced himself to approach the group of young witches and wizards.

But he did.

And when he did, an older man, who Remus supposed was the healer leading the session, greeted him. He was loud, and seemed like one of those people who was just way too excited about life. The man introduced himself as Dr. Smith, and then proceeded to offer Remus the chair next to him. Remus wished he could have sat farther away from the healer, but he didn't want to be rude, and so he took the seat.

"You must be Remus," Dr. Smith began. "Madam Pomfrey's told me a bit about you."

Remus couldn't help but wonder what exactly she had told him. He hated that she was allowed to do that. To discuss him as though he wasn't a human being, but as a story. This healer probably viewed him as just another patient. Remus' entire life was just a story to him, a story to be examined. Remus didn't want anyone to examine him. He didn't want to be a patient. He wasn't sick. He was just sad.

Remus looked around to see who else had been forced to come. He was surprised when he recognized a few of the faces from Hogwarts. There was Nevin, a fellow Gryffindor, who was a year or two below Remus. He had always been kind of quiet. There was, to his surprise, a very outgoing Slytherin named Evianna. Then there was another boy, who looked somewhat familiar, from Ravenclaw. There was a rather large Gryffindor that had graduated a few years before. He wondered how they gotten here. Had their secrets been discovered by Madam Pomfrey too? Had they come through the fire in Dumbledore's office? Then there were also three others who Remus didn't recognize at all.

After a few more moments of silence, in which everybody stared at Remus, who was, undoubtedly, the new kid, the healer spoke again, this time to the whole group. "To our returning group members: Welcome back! To our new members: Welcome! Today, we're going to dive right into things with introducing yourselves. I want your name, your age, you house, if applicable, your high/low of the week, and how many days you've been clean for. How about you start us off, Gage?"

This was all moving way to fast for Remus. Before he could fully process what was going on, Gage, the rather large one, spoke. "My name's Gage," He began almost too enthusiastically. "I'm 19 years old. I graduated from Hogwarts two years ago, but I was a Gryffindor. The low of my week would have to be losing my wand. I went to get a new one at Ollivander's, and I found it the next day!" He laughed. Remus thought he was a bit of an idiot. "My high would be- Well, actually, as of today, I'm a year clean. I've been cut free for a whole year," He finished with a smile. Everybody rushed to congratulate him.

Remus still wasn't sure what he was doing there. He didn't want to discuss this with anyone. Maybe these people understood what it was like to self-harm, but they didn't understand him or what he was feeling. None of them ever would. Unless there was another gay, religious, werewolf sitting in the room who just so happened to be in love with his best friend.

Evianna, who had been sitting next to Gage, spoke next, without having to be prompted. "Evianna. 16 years old. Slytherin. Low of the week would be coming here. Don't have a high. Four days clean."

Remus liked her a lot better than Gage. She kept it short, real, and to the point. She wasn't overly optimistic. She didn't even bother to pretend she wasn't hating every second of that meeting.

"Michael, your next,"

The small, quiet boy from Ravenclaw spoke up. "I'm Michael," He mumbled, so quietly that Dr. Smith had to ask him to speak up. "I'm seventeen years old, and I'm in Ravenclaw house. The high of my week hasn't happened yet. The low would be potions class." Remus, at this, accidentally let out a snicker. The boy looked up, and his blue eyes met Remus'. He held his stare for what felt like much too long a time. Remus wanted to look away, but he found that he couldn't. After a moment of this, the boy spoke again. "I'm a little over a month clean." When he finished speaking, he looked down on the ground, as if that could stop people from realizing he was there.

Remus was up next. He felt just as small as Michael had looked. He spoke just as quietly when he told the group that he was Remus, and that he was seventeen years old. He was a Gryffindor at Hogwarts. The high of his week would be talking to his friend Lily. The low of his week would happen the next day. He was zero days clean. He had hesitated to share this.

Nobody even batted his eye. Nobody asked what the low of his week would be, either, or how he already knew it would happen.

It was Nevin who broke the silence next. "I'm Nevin, and I'm in my fifth year at Hogwarts, in Gryffindor house. The high of my week would be the fact that its Friday. The low would be the moment that two months of being cut-free went down the drain. I'm 6 days clean."

Then the last three in the group went. There was a girl named Carter and another named Margot, who were home schooled. Carter was kept home by her muggle father, and taught by her mother, who was a witch, because she had a severe case of breast cancer. She was 3 months clean. Margot had gone to Hogwarts for two years, but had been bullied so severely, that she had pulled out. She was only 2 weeks clean. Josh went to muggle school, because he was a squib. He was 3 days clean.

"I would like to congratulate Gage, Michael, and Carter for staying clean for so long. Great progress, guys! To the others, keep working. A day clean is better than no days clean,"

Evianna looked at Remus at this point. She was definitely not known for her subtlety.

"Most of you will recall last week's meeting, and how we talked about how self harming makes us feel, and how it may seem to help us deal with things, when in reality, its only adding a new problem. This week, I thought we could discuss some of the reasons we feel the need to self harm. Would anybody like to start us off?

Gage, to nobody's surprise, was the first one to speak up. "For me, it was because of the bullying. I was so insecure. I felt ugly and fat and worthless. I thought I deserved it," He said seriously.

Remus was surprised to see the boisterous boy before him say such sad and hopeless things. He was even more surprised that he could actually relate to something somebody was saying. He thought nobody understood him. He had never really been bullied, well, not at Hogwarts at least, and he had never really felt fat. But he had felt ugly and worthless. And he had definitely felt the need to punish himself.

"That's a very common thought among self harmers. Nobody really deserves that, though, do they Gage?"

"No. I've come along way since then, and I've realized that I never deserved to be anything less than happy. I remember cutting myself to stop myself from eating so much. Now I know that I just need to treat myself right, and only then will I be healthy and happy.

He made it sound so easy. But for Remus, his self hatred wasn't that..._ shallow._ It was something burried so deep inside him. He was clinging to it so closely, because he didn't know who he would be without it. He needed it. He needed his self hatred, his sadness, his blade. These were the things that made him.

"It's never been about punishing myself. It's always been just because I didn't know what I felt. I have borderline personality disorder. I'm pretty much crazy by diagnosis. I'm reckless and impulsive and indecisive. My opinions on things change really quickly, sometimes I love someone and sometimes I hate them. Sometimes I dissociate and its like the world isn't real. Not to mention I'm a huge attention whore. If someone doesn't pay me enough attention, all of a sudden I'm ready to jump of the Astronomy tower. Nothing I feel ever makes any sense. Cutting myself and seeing the blood run down my arm is something that I can understand."

This explanation given by Evianna made even more sense to Remus than Gage's did. Maybe that was what bothered him so much; he always felt so sad, and he knew he had reasons to be, but he had been sad for so long that the feeling of sadness didn't always connect with the sad events. He could never understand what he felt either. Remus had come to this meeting expecting it to be torturous, and in a way it was. But he had not expected other people to say what he didn't even know was on his mind.

"Self-harm is especially common amongst those with Borderline Personality Disorder. Don't you think therapy and spending time to get to know yourself would be much more effective, though?"

She half-heartedly agreed.

It was Michael who spoke next.

"I think I can relate to both of you. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. There was always just some little feeling that I was different than everyone around me. Then I realized I was gay, started to cut, got a boyfriend, and my father kicked me out of the house. Then the boy dumped me. I cut because I hated myself for how I felt, and because I didn't understand why I felt that way. I needed someone to show they cared about me, but nobody did."

He kept it short, but it was enough for Remus. That was exactly how Remus felt. He was disgusted by himself. Everybody else was disgusted by him. He deserved every cut he had ever made. It was his way of expressing on his body that there was something wrong with him.

For the rest of the session, the others went around and talked about their reasons for self-harm, while Dr. Smith pointed out the flaws in each of their explanations. Nevin had anger issues. Carter said that depression was a side effect of dying. Margot said it was because she was lonely. Josh said it was because he always had to see what he was missing without magic.

The thing that stuck out most to Remus, though, was the fact that everybody seemed to hate themselves. All of these seemingly normal people, drowning in self-hatred, just waiting for somebody to let them up for air. He wondered if that was how they all saw him. But he wasn't normal. He was a monster, and he would always be a monster. That was what he said, when his turn came. He told the group that he was a monster. That he was gay. That we was worthless.

Those who attended Hogwarts all traveled back together by Floo powder, ending up in Dumbledore's office. Remus figured that the group usually all traveled together, but that he had been late that session. Evianna and Nevin were joking together, mimicking the healer. Michael came up to Remus.

"Hey,"

"Hey," Remus replied.

"So... how'd you like the first session?" Michael had wanted to talk to Remus, but he didn't really know what he wanted to say.

Remus hesitated, not knowing what Michael wanted to hear. He eventually resigned with "It was...interesting."

"Tell me about it. Spending an hour with a bunch of angsty teenagers. _Oh the pain!_" Michael said over dramatically. He laughed, and when he did, Remus thought he was sort of cute. Not handsome, like Sirius was. Nobody was handsome like Sirius was. But his eyes were bright and blue and stunning, and his well-kept blonde hair suited him nicely. His smile cute, but small and controlled, also unlike Sirius. Sirius' brown eyes were wild and fun. His hair was longer, and a dark color that contrasted perfectly with his skin tone. And his crooked smile was the opposite of controlled. It lit up his whole face. It hinted at a sort of recklessness Remus just found breathtakingly beautiful. Realizing he had been thinking about Sirius again, Remus quickly snapped himself out of it and reentered the conversation.

"Er- I've got to go back to the hospital wing," Remus stated, as they passed it's entrance.

"Oh," Michael said, sounding a little disappointed. "We should get together sometime." Another smile. Remus, in all honesty, wasn't entirely sure how he felt about Michael. He was cute and all, but he wasn't Sirius. _Sirius doesn't like you,_ he reminded himself. Plus, it was nice to see someone showing interest in him. Especially someone who could understand him like Sirius would never be able to. So Remus agreed, and promised to look out for him. He reentered the hospital wing and found Sirius sitting there, as though he had been waiting for him for a very long time.

"Finally!" He exclaimed. Sirius had, in fact, waited the entire hour for Remus to come back, so they could discuss the session. He had, however, seen Remus walking with a Ravenclaw boy who, if Sirius' Gaydar was right, was flirting with his Moony.

Madam Pomfrey chastised him for being so loud. She then looked at the time, and informed him that he needed to leave. Sirius, with a growing jealousy inside of him, left Remus with a whispered promise of his return.


	11. Chapter 11

**I forgot to mention, that in the last chapter, I said, "depression was a side effect of dying". This idea comes from John Green's novel, ****The Fault in Our Stars. **** Enjoy!**

**Chapter 11**

The hours spent waiting for Sirius, wondering if he would even come, were torturous. Remus knew that he had seen him only a few hours before, but for some reason, he missed him. Maybe it was because he missed the fun, unpredictable boy. He wanted back the easy relationship they had once had. Lately, though, everything felt sort of tense and forced. Perhaps Sirius didn't notice, and maybe it was just because Remus was keeping so many secrets from him. Things had been so seriously, lately, though, and while Remus was a serious person the majority of the time, he was getting tired of it.

After the group therapy session that evening, Remus had quite a bit on his mind. For one thing, it still seemed strange to him to think of self-harm on medical terms. It was weird to think that this was an increasingly common issue, and something that was actually being studied. It had always just been his secret. He hadn't even known that it was an actual thing when he started doing it. It had started one day when he was upset; he had thrown a glass against the wall, and when picking up the pieces, Remus had accidentally sliced his finger. He had found that the pain relieved some of his anger, and that the sight of the bright red evidence the shard of glass had left behind soothed him.

He had been ten years old, feeling emotions that most would have thought were beyond his years. At that young age, though, he had already been through so much. The werewolf that infected him had bitten him before he even reached five years old, and Remus had a very hard time dealing with it, especially in the beginning. It was also hard for him to see all of the trouble he was causing his parents. Every month, they had to take him to a forest where there was no chance of him passing on his lycanthropy. Then, they would have to find him the next morning. It also wasn't easy for them to keep a secret. His parents had to cancel their plans quite frequently, just so they could deal with him. When he had first received the bite, Remus' body didn't handle it very well, and he was constantly sick. Remus also knew that his parents felt guilty for his condition, especially his father, Lyall. Lyall had insulted the werewolf, Fenrir Greyback, who had then proceeded to infect Remus for revenge.

Looking back on it, Remus supposed the self-harm had started before that day when he cut himself on glass. During his transformations, he was isolated from others to prevent him from attacking them. This, however, caused him to bite and scratch himself when he took the form of the wolf. He had so many scars from that, even in human form. At only five years old he was forced to endure losing his mind once a month. There was always some piece of him, though, at the back of the wolf's consciousness.

This was why Remus was so thankful, that when Sirius, James, and Peter, had discovered his secret during their second year, they had decided to become animagi. This had been Sirius' idea. Remus loved him for that. He loved Sirius for thinking of a way to help him, no matter how impossible it seemed. Time after time, Sirius was the only one who had shown that he would give everything he had for Remus.

This was why Remus decided, lying on his hospital bed, that he would open up to Sirius, even if it was just a little bit. He didn't want to lose his best friend. Remus finally realized that he had been taking Sirius for granted. Had he not proven that he would always be there for Remus?

Remus then thought back to the way everyone in the group had described his or her relationship with cutting. While none of them could perfectly describe what he was going through, Remus could at least relate to a little piece of what everybody said. Maybe he wasn't as alone, or as crazy, as he had been feeling all of those years. Remus definitely wasn't about to flush his blade down the toilet or anything, which Gage had mentioned doing, but maybe he was ready to admit to himself that he wasn't the only one who felt such horrible things. Maybe, just maybe, Sirius could understand. Besides, if Remus could go and tell his secrets to complete strangers, he could definitely work up the courage to tell one of his best friends.

After trying to avoid thinking of Michael for a long time, Remus eventually couldn't help it. It had felt _so good_ to have a boy show interest in him, a boy who understood him. He was in love with Sirius. What was the chance that Sirius would return his feelings, though? Given his illustrious history with some of the most beautiful witches of their generation, Remus didn't think it was very likely. However, as Sirius was waiting up for Madam Pomfrey to go to bed, his mind was on Remus.

Sirius was, undoubtedly, in love with Remus. That was the only thing he knew for sure, though. He didn't know if Remus liked him, let alone loved him. He didn't even know if Remus liked boys at all. He didn't know why Remus kept hurting himself, or why it seemed to be getting worse and worse. Most of all, he definitely didn't know what he was supposed to do about any of this.

Sirius knew that Remus was upset with him for taking him to the hospital wing, but Sirius was convinced that he had done the right thing. While Remus seemed to feel that Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore and his healer didn't understand him, they were professionals. They knew what they were doing. At least, Sirius desperately hoped they did, because he definitely didn't know what he was doing. All he had been able to do so far was carry Remus to the hospital wing. Sirius wanted to do more than that; he wanted to fix the parts of Remus that felt broken. He wanted to kiss him all better. He wanted to keep his Moony warm and safe when winds howled and the world seemed far too cruel to face.

_He doesn't want you like that_, Sirius had to tell himself, for what seemed like the thousandth time. Remus desperately needs somebody to love him. _But it's going to be a girl. It's not going to be you._

Nonetheless, Sirius still felt the need to head over to the hospital wing under the protection of James' invisibility cloak once the clock stuck 11. He had promised Remus he would come. Sirius wasn't entirely sure why, he just knew that he felt the need to become closer to Remus, especially after he had seen that cute blonde talking to Remus. Granted, Sirius knew he probably had no reason to be jealous; neither he nor the Ravenclaw stood a chance with Remus, and besides, the Ravenclaw boy probably wasn't even gay. Sirius could be a bit possessive, though, and so he wanted to be sure that he reserved a special place in Remus' heart, no matter if it was platonic or romantic. He needed to be the best friend that Remus could possibly have, so Remus wouldn't have to turn to anybody else.

Soon after thinking that, Sirius realized how cheesy it was, and resolved to stop thinking about Remus.

He entered the hospital wing as quietly as he could, and looked around to make sure Madam Pomfrey had gone to bed before going to Remus' lame excuse for a private section and removing his cloak.

"You came," Remus said, with the small smile that always gave Sirius butterflies.

"Said I would, didn't I?" Sirius gave the crooked smile that never failed to make Remus feel weak.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," Remus blurted out, before he could stop himself. He knew that if he didn't force himself to say that right off the bat, he would never say it at all.

Sirius, who had been planning on asking Remus about his time spent at group therapy, nodded. Whatever this was, it had to be way more interesting.

Remus hesitated. "I'm sure- I'm sure you've noticed that I've been pushing you away lately. Pushing everybody away, really. I've just…I've been dealing with a lot, I guess. It's just been kind of hard for me to come to terms with a lot of things. I didn't want to bother you, or be a burden or anything. And… I didn't know if you would understand."

Sirius had to interject. "I understand a lot more than you think," He was getting tired of people trying to decide what he could and couldn't handle. Remus tried to quiet Sirius with his hands, but he kept talking anyways. "You can trust me with anything. And you don't have to worry that you're bothering me, either. I don't mind, really. I'd rather you come to me than…"

Remus felt like his insides were all melting together. He really, really loved Sirius, and he really, really loved hearing Sirius talk to him in such a caring way. He was also starting to feel a little bit turned on, which was probably not a good thing, and so he focused back on what he had been trying to tell Sirius.

"I know. I _am_ sorry about that. I really am. Sometimes- I guess I…I just get so wrapped up in how I feel, and I retreat so far back into my own mind, that I forget that other people even exist, let alone have feelings or thoughts."

Sirius nodded. He understood what that was like.

"Group therapy sucked," Remus began, leaving Sirius to wonder where he was going with this. "But it did make me realize something. I'm not as alone as I always feel. It's just… I am kind of the minority. I'll always be an outcast in society's eyes. But, I mean- Other people have been blessed with the ability to listen and to at least try to understand. I was hoping…I just thought that maybe you could do that for me."

Sirius was happier than Remus could have known that he was finally being let in. He understood that it was hard for Remus to let people in, because he had the same problem. It was so much easier to close yourself off from the rest of the world; it was easier to pretend you didn't care than to let people know how much you were truly affected by things. It was easier to keep all your secrets in the dark, out of the fear that other people would judge you as harshly as you judged yourself. Letting people in could be hard. It was also hard, though, to be shut out. So when Remus asked in a way as to not sound too hopeful, Sirius nodded, to answer the question, and also, in a way, to let Remus know that it was okay to hope.

"Of course you can, Moony," Sirius said playfully, although he was completely serious. "Like I said, you can come to me with anything."

"I cut myself because I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed of myself, and I hate myself. Don't look at me that way; it's already hard enough for me to be honest here. The therapist I'm now seeing also seems to think I'm clinically depressed. I dunno. Sometimes life can be too much- Sometimes it's all too much and I feel like I won't ever escape. I feel trapped. Cut- um, cutting myself is, I guess in a way, my escape,"

"I- Merlin, I'm sorry Moony." Sirius said, because there was no other way to put it. "I told you that you could sit with me when you feel that way," Sirius eventually pointed out. "You could just stay with me until the urge passes. We could talk about things. Or we could just sit in silence together. But I mean- You haven't been trying."

"I…I know. I just- I didn't want to give it up. I planned on pretending to get better so I could be left alone to hurt myself in peace. I've been cutting on my thighs this whole time, because Madam Pomfrey didn't seem to think to check there. I'm still not ready to give it up."

Sirius felt sick to his stomach. Even if he could have told Remus just how much he cared about him, he doubted that it would have been enough to stop him. He had been doing a little research on self-injury, and he knew that it was an addiction. Sirius knew that he couldn't just make Remus stop, but he wished he could at least let Remus know how much he wanted him to. Seeing Remus slice himself up like that- it made Sirius feel as though he were the one getting sliced up. It physically hurt him. It was one of the most difficult situations to be caught in. There were so many physical side effects and things to worry about. The whole battle- it was internal. Sirius, healers, therapists, and Dumbledore could all try to help. But ultimately, it was Remus' battle to fight. It didn't matter how much Sirius wanted to take all of Remus' pain, to feel it instead of him. It didn't matter how much Sirius would have been willing to do to stop him. It all depended on Remus' decision to stay and fight or to resign and collapse in on himself.

"You are going to try though… Aren't you?"

Remus sighed. "A few hours ago, if I had answered in all honesty, I would have said no. The problem is, I don't_ want_ to stop. All everybody else can see is me hurting myself, but that's the part that feels good. I hurt all the time, but the physical pain isn't what's hurting me. That's more… That's more of a side effect."

It took Sirius a minute to process this. How did cutting yourself, how did injuring yourself to the point where you passed out, make you feel _good_? It seemed insane. How could any internal pain be worse than that? Maybe it was just because Sirius was the one to witness a bloody Remus losing consciousness that he had a hard time classifying that as a "side effect".

"You're going to end up killing yourself, though. It's not like you're just scratching yourself up. You're literally cutting just deep enough to not die. One day, though, you might go too far. You _will _go too far. I don't- nobody wants to see you do that. Even if you hate yourself…nobody else does."

Remus had to consider this for a while, and he soon found that he was at a loss for words. He had never really given much thought to how his death might affect others. Sure, he never thought anybody would be really happy about it. He had never really imagined anyone being upset about it, either, though. While Remus had never actually attempted suicide, he had reached a point where he no longer really cared whether he lived or died. He might not try to stop his own heart, but he knew that if he ever cut too deep, and his life depended on him going to get help from a healer, he would just let himself bleed out. He just didn't care. Apparently, though, Sirius might.

In that moment, all Remus wanted was to be close to Sirius. He was feeling reckless, or at least as reckless as a meticulously careful person could be.

"Can you stay with me?" Remus asked, instantly regretting the decision to open his mouth. He didn't want to sound desperate, or needy, and he didn't want Sirius to know how he truly felt about him.

Sirius, however, was glad for the invitation. He didn't want to spend the night alone, either. Remus scooted over, and pulled the thin sheets covering him back, creating a space for his friend. Sirius, who had been shivering from the cold, gratefully climbed in. The body heat Remus gave off kept him warmer than the sheets did. Neither boy would go closer to the other, though, for fear of betraying their true feelings.

The boys, once again, fell asleep trying to force away unwanted romantic and sexual thoughts, for fear that it was wrong, unnatural. For fear the other would not be thinking the same way.

The majority of the seventh years had a few free periods, which they typically used to study for their NEWTs. Lily, however, being the overachiever that she was, often spent her free time helping out in the hospital wing. Even though it was a Saturday, she had gotten herself up that morning to offer a helping hand to the school healer before the Hogsmeade trip that day. That's where she had gone the next morning, and to her surprise, where she found Sirius sleeping with Remus in one of the small hospital beds. When Lily had seen, and looked to the healer, Madam Pomfrey had nodded, as if to confirm that she saw it too.

"He's always in here, always checking up on Remus. Kicked him out just last night, though apparently he didn't care too much for what I had to say. Must have come back after I went to bed." She shrugged, which seemed out of character to Lily. Madam Pomfrey often came off as cold, but in reality, she just wanted what was best for her patients. She had kicked Sirius out, because that was what the rules called for. She knew, however, that he could give Remus exactly what he needed. Even she could tell that they had a bond stronger than a normal friendship; Sirius cared very deeply for Remus, and she knew that Remus felt the same way. They were good for each other. When recovering from such a difficult thing as self-harm, she knew that having love and support was one of the most important things. So she had let the two boys remain curled up close, clinging to each other desperately for warmth, under the flimsy hospital sheets. Madam Pomfrey had even gone as far as to place another blanket on top of the two.

Sirius awoke that morning, with Remus' head on his chest, to Lily watching him, with a knowing smirk on her face. _Oh no_, he thought. This couldn't be good.


End file.
